Aussie Bound
Events, Insights, God's good work in my life.
Wow. Australia. Here I am, one week into this journey that I have been sent on. I wish I could say it has been full of excitement and adventure. I so desperately wish I could say that I don’t miss home yet. But the truth is, the Lord is breaking me beyond anything I have ever experienced. I have found out about myself how comfortable I really was at home, and also the fact that I apparently do not handle change very well. This past week has been filled with daily tears, anxiety, and extreme extreme extreme homesickness. I have even contemplated screwing it all and just coming home, returning to my beautiful girlfriend Katie, returning to my amazing church family, and of course returning to leading worship for my high school kids. It is crazy how easy it is to quit. I have called home every single day to my family, to katie, and to my mentors. I have also prayed every day that God will some how pull me out and bring me home.
They say that everyone feels this way when they first come, and that it will wear off. You will soon meet new lifetime friends and this will become your new home, just patient, i’m told. The depression and anxiety can bring any man to his knees, as I have been brought several times in just one week.
Psalm 88:
O Lord, God of my salvation; I cry out day and night before you. Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry! For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol. I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am a man who has no strength, like one set loose among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, like those whom you remember no more, for they are cut off from Your hand. You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions of dark and deep. Your wrath lies heavy upon me; and you overwhelm me with all your waves. You have caused my companions to shun me; you have made me a horror to them. I am shut in so that I cannot escape; my eye grows dim through sorrow. Every day I call upon you, O lord; I spread out my hands to You…But I, O Lord, cry to You; in the morning my prayer comes before you. O Lord, why do you cast my soul away? Why do You hide your face from me? Afflicted and close to death from my youth up. I suffer your terrors, I am helpless.
This emotional meltdown that King David experienced can sum up the way I have been feeling this past week. But taylor, it’s only been a week! Yes, that just shows how much I needed to be broken down by the Lord. Literally the second day I landed I had a good ‘ol freak out/meltdown. it’s been bad, and hard to describe to people who haven’t actually gone through it. the distress is unbearable, even resulting in physical sickness due to the emotional strain. Nothing I could have prepared for, and quite honestly, to me, much more severe then physical pain. Unfortunately, there is no comfortable way to carry a cross. (thank you megan fate)
Phew. Got that all out. I know it may seem that I am just miserable here, but I assure you Australia nor Hillsong Church have anything to do with it. Hillsong is amazing. pretty charismatic, but it’s manageable. The insane worship you see on the DVD’s or the youtube videos is a realistic portrayal. God is absolutely present at this church, and I’m excited to be a part of it while I am here. Classes don’t actually start until next week, but I did attend an orientation today that went over the leadership skills and hands on training I will be receiving. This excited me greatly because that is the meat and potatoes I was after. I can’t wait to get home (beachcities????) and apply these skills in a full time position somewhere.
Although this is hands down the hardest week of my life, I praise God for His goodness. The support that I have received from home is INSANE. Katie Brewster, my amazing amazing girlfriend has supported me and lifted me up when I literally thought I wouldn’t make it. God has blessed me with a girl that 100% cares about me and my growth and what is best for me. She has been so unselfish through all of this and CAN NOT WAIT to get back to see her beautiful face! Her faith is astounding and I absolutely look up to her as strong woman of God. So thank you Kate, I love you.
God is so good. I am in complete anguish right now, but God is good. I cannot wait for the day when the pit in my stomach goes away and the tears will cease to exist. I know it will be soon because God is good, and He is so faithful. I am trying to get home for Christmas, but some of my closest and wisest friends/family feel that the Lord has more work in me if i stay the entire year. I’ve yet to decide whether or not I am coming home for that break. I pray that God will allow me to come home, or give me IMMENSE peace about staying. Regardless, I am being broken. I am being brought to my knees, all for the glory of He who is worthy. If any of you have ever repaired something made out of wood with wood glue, you would know that the wood glue is actually stronger than the wood itself. The Lord is breaking me, only to repair me and put me back together with a stronger bond, in turn making me stronger and more complete. I’ve never felt this much pain and emotional distress before in my entire life, but I also know that it will lead to the most joy and fulfillment i have EVER experienced. Frik, God is SO GOOD.
I am quite positive that even after I post this, waves of homesickness and spiritual warfare of just giving up will continue. I will call brian or peter or andrew in tears feeling like i can’t continue. I will want to quit. But I can’t. I cannot quit because He did not quit on me. He is so worth the pain, and He is so worth the sacrifice. May our lives all be a living sacrifice to Him.
Through this experience, even though it has only been 8 days, I have seen how ridiculously weak I am. Praise God, because He is made perfect in our weakness. Praise His name. I will attempt to write more entries as time progresses, but please know that I long to be with all of you at home, and am praying for you all daily. Please do the same for me, because Satan is trying to do EVERYTHING he can to make me ineffective. Luckily, if Our God is for us, who can be against us?!!?!?!
“Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.” Psalm 27:14
I hope that even though I am in turmoil, that this post will be encouraging to some of you who may be going through a tough time. Feelings of isolation, depression, as if God isn’t there. He is worth the pain. He is worthy of the cause, and our reward will be HUGE. Praise be to His name.
I love you all so much!!! Please continue your prayers for me. I will be home before you know it, and hopefully before I know it!!
If any of you want to contact me… Facebook is probably the easiest… but here is my other contact info:
Cell phone: +61 449 144 833
Email: tay.smith@me.com
Address:
234/11 Potter St.
Waterloo, NSW 2017
Until next time, I love you all so much!
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So I decided to create this blog for two reasons, one which is simply sharing what i’m going through and the experiences i will have in australia, and the other is to share what i’ve learned and how good our God is.
As many of you know, I will be moving to Sydney, Australia from july of this year to july of next year, studying worship music at Hillsong International Leadership College. The idea of wanting to go was the easy part, but the decision to just do it was pretty tough. My flight leaves on July 12th at 10:20PM, and I’ll be leaving behind everything I know, love, cherish, and hold dear. This includes my family, my beautiful and amazing girlfriend, my dear friends, my awesome church, and of course, my main venue for leading worship, the edge (high school students) at bccc. But what I will miss and be giving up will be quickly and abundantly filled with the Lord and His love and goodness. Being the passionate man that I am, i regularly have to hold back tears when the thought of leaving pops into my head. Doubts and an insanely strong desire to back out flood my mind regularly, but I know that Jesus has my heart with a death grip and will not let go. I know that He wants me to go, and I know that He wants every single part of me, every single desire, every single thought, every single action, and yes, every single tear or smile.
It is so easy to only give up the clothes we haven’t worn in 3 years, or to donate the cans of food we would never actually eat to the can drive. I’m guilty of this. What is hard is giving up your favorite jacket that you wear everyday, or the good expensive item you just bought. It is so easy to only give up the parts of ourselves that we really don’t want, or could easily do without. Jesus wants it all. Not just what we will shed off anyway, He wants what we don’t want to give up, and He wants what we think we can’t live without. I am just as guilty of all of this as any one of you reading this blog. By sending me to australia for a year, he literally is stripping me of it all.
So i titled this post “Just do it” because that’s what I had to do. I’ve always been so hesitant about taking action because I was so worried about whether or not it was the Lord’s will or not. I guess that is a good problem to have, but none the less, a problem. Every example of faith in Jesus’ ministry is that of action. Whether it’s the woman washing Jesus’ feet with her own tears, or the dudes lowering the crippled man into a house from the roof to be healed by Jesus, they are all met with a similar response, “your faith has saved you.” Faith is not just a belief, it is action. I haven’t really done much action in my life, and I think God finally had enough of me waddling in indecision. I have been thinking about hillsong for the past year or so, and finally decided to just do it. I know for a fact i am doing His will because i have been blessed and satisfied beyond anything. Living in accordance with His will for your life is a liberating experience.
So if you have to decision to make, step out of your comfort zone and give your life to our God.
just do it already.
